


Sealand Sucks

by xlittlefoolx



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Parenting, Character Bashing, Crack, M/M, Swearing, Wordcount: Over 1.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4025971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlittlefoolx/pseuds/xlittlefoolx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>England challenges America to raise Sealand. What follows are cracktastic adventures in parenting as America tries to raise the Principality of Sealand with help from Japan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Challenge

The year was 1967 and England had finally had enough of his son, Sealand. The little tyke, created for specific purposes during WWII, had outlived his raison d'être and was driving England up the wall.

 

"Iggy, you can't just leave Sealand out on the sidewalk in a cardboard box," America said from his spot at the table. "That's, like, terrible parenting, bro."

 

Japan nodded. "Hai, I agree with America, England-san."

 

England turned red and yelled, "He's not even a bloody country!"

 

"Neither are the States," America countered. "But you don't see me leaving New York or Massachusetts out near the trash cans."

 

England scowled at his old ward. Ever since he'd gained independence he thought he knew everything. Then the old empire got a brilliant idea that would solve all of his problems.

 

"If you're so good at parenting, America, then why don't you raise the little Principality?" England said, all smug smirks.

 

"Fine! I will, because I'm the hero!" America said. England's smirk grew bigger and Japan facepalmed. America never could resist a challenge, especially from his father figure.

 

"And Japan has to help since he's living with me," America added and Japan groaned.

 

"But America-san..." the Asian country whined quietly.

 

"Yes," England consented. "Japan, you have to make sure America doesn't back out or kill the boy on accident."

 

"Hey!" America protested. "I'm an awesome parent!"

 

"Then it shouldn't matter if your best friend stays over to watch, will it?" England said. America grumbled.

 

"Um, excuse me England-san, but where is Sealand-kun?" Japan said, peering out the window.

 

America joined his friend at the window. "Shit, where'd he go?"

 

England cackled. "He's your pain now, America! Serves you right, cocky git!"

 

America swore again and ran outside to look for his new charge, followed quietly by Japan while just muttered, "Oh, America..."


	2. Where's Sealand?

Japan looked into the drizzly English afternoon and saw neither America nor Sealand. He sighed as he opened an umbrella. "I will never understand Western nations."

 

*

 

"Yo, Sealand!" America called. His blonde hair, darkened by the rain, was all sticking to his neck, except for his ahoge nicknamed Nantucket. "Where ya at, little buddy?"

 

"I'm not your little buddy!" the childish voice of Sealand said from down an alley. America smirked; children could be so stupid sometimes.

 

America fearlessly ran into the narrow alley after his charge. The drizzle had turned to a heavier rain, but the American wasn't bothered. Up ahead he saw the boy, soaked in his blue and white sailor suit, sitting on a shipping crate.

 

"I found you!" America said, punching the air in celebration. "Yeah, the hero is here!"

 

"Hello, America," a Russian voice said politely as gloved hands grasped the Americans shoulders. The blue-eyed nation let out a squeak as a cold exhalation on his neck made him shiver.

 

"Gah, lemme go, ya commie bastard!" America said, thrashing in the giant's grip. Sealand smiled and skipped off, unnoticed by the superpowers.

 

"Nyet," Russia said, grinning his innocent smile. "Why did you so foolishly run into the alley, dear?"

 

America grimaced. "Where'd Sealand go?"

 

"Sealand?"

 

"Iggy made me Sealand's new guardian, but he ran off before I could even start," America said. "Could you ease up? My arms are losing circulation."

 

Russia lessened his grip but didn't let go until America had frowned at him for a few minutes. Then a flashy anime ringtone sounded off and he reached for his phone.

 

"Yo, Japan! Sup?"

 

"Kon'nichiwa, America. I have Sealand-kun."

 

"Awesome. I'm coming."

 

America hung up and yelped when he felt strong arms wrap around his middle. He blushed as the ash blonde man nuzzled his neck.

 

"I've missed you, sunflower," the Russian murmured.

 

"Yeah," America said simply, refusing to melt into the embrace.

 

"I will visit soon."


	3. Meet the Family

America's Ford pickup truck traveled smoothly over the dirt road. Sealand looked out the window to watch the rich scenery flashing by. The American babbled as he drove and Japan nodded along, paying strict attention.

Sealand gasped as the big house came into view. The setting sun bathed the wraparound porches in a pink glow and dyed the windows orange. The self-proclaimed country had never seen such a house. England's quaint cottage paled in comparison and his sea fort, while being 4 sq km, was pitiful next to this mansion.

America parked the truck and the nations (and principality) went into the house. The loud-mouthed American began showing off his place and led Sealand into the living room. There on the couch sat a blonde man nearly identical to America, watching a hockey game on the television.

"Funny, I don't remember leaving the TV on," America said, grabbing the remote and changing it to football.

"Hey! I was watching that!" the man on the couch shouted. America looked around in alarm but his eyes skipped over the protesting man. "I'm on the couch, America."

America's eyes finally focused on his target and he smiled. "Hey, bro! When did you get here?"

Canada sighed and his long curl bounced. "I've been here since last night. Did you forget I was coming to visit again?"

America ran a hand through his hair and smiled sheepishly. "Course not. I just got stuck at England's house and now I have a new son..."

The northern nation's violet eyes widened. "You made a baby with England? How is that even possible?"

America reddened and sputtered, "What the hell are ya talkin about? I just adopted Sealand is all! You know I could never be with Iggy like that! Especially not after him and France--"

"Oh, thank God!" Canada said, cutting him off. "Who's Sealand?"

"I'm a small country 13 km off the coast of England!"Sealand piped up. He'd been watching the back and forth between the brothers with interest while Japan started cooking dinner.

"You're not a country," America and Japan both said automatically. Sealand frowned and stuck his tongue out.

"Why did England trust you with a kid?" Canada asked, setting his stuffed polar plushie on the couch next to him.

"England-san irritated America's need to prove himself," Japan called from the kitchen.

"Hey, I'm an awesome parent!" America said, crossing his arms in a pout. Canada's polar bear smirked. "Shut up, Kumajirou!"

"How are you gonna raise him?" Canada asked. The States had more or less raised themselves since not even America could be in 50 places at once.

"The American way!" America said, striking an heroic pose. The Star Spangled Banner started playing and Canada facepalmed while Sealand stood in awe.

A minute or so passed in this way and then the anthem started from the beginning. Sealand's look of adoration faltered and then vacated completely when America fumbled with his cellphone.

"Hi, Mr President!" he answered. He listened a moment and then said, "Yeah, I'll come right now. Bye."

"Sealand!" the boy looked at his new caretaker. "Time to meet the president of the US of A!"


End file.
